Refresh Yourself

I tend to act out important conversations in my head about 300 times before I actually have the conversation. I feel the need to prepare for the worst, and, today, my therapist shed light on the fact that anything I prepare myself for someone else to say to me is really something that I think about myself. That’s why the thought is in my head at all. That sent me down a spiral, because, for me, the thought is almost always that I’m stupid and that I have no right to take up space or ask for anything. In my head, it looks like someone very close to me saying those things to me in response to my asking for something or bringing something up etc., and it hurts, and it makes me mad at that person, but in reality, that person would almost NEVER say those things to me, I just think they would because I believe them about myself. Maybe this doesn’t sound like a huge breakthrough, but it felt like a step in the right direction for me. It’s upsetting to know that I feel that way about myself, but now I can actively work on changing those thoughts. I have to accept that I may never know why I feel that way about myself, but I can at least stop myself from believing that it’s true. 

yesterdayiwrote:

You have to work out what the letters mean. The first one is an example. According to MENSA, if you get 23 of these in one hour you’re a genius. Only 2 MENSA members achieved full marks.

1. 24 H in a D          24 Hours in a Day
2. 26 L of the A
3. 7 D of the W
4. 7 W of the W
5. 12 S of the Z
6. 66 B of the B
7. 52 C in a P (W Js)
8. 13 S in the U S F
9. 18 H on a G C
10. 39 B of the O T
11. 5 T on a F
12. 90 D in a R A
13. 3 B M (S H T R)
14. 32 is the T in D F at which W F
15. 15 P in a R T
16. 3 W on a T
17. 100 C in a D
18. 11 P in a F (S) T
19. 12 M in a Y
20. 13 = U F S
21. 8 T on a O
22. 29 D in F in a L Y
23. 27 B in the N T
24. 365 D in a Y
25. 13 L in a B D
26. 52 W in a Y
27. 9 L of a C
28. 60 M in a H
29. 23 P of C in the H B
30. 64 S on a C B
31. 9 P in S A
32. 6 B to an O in C
33. 1000 Y in a M
34. 15 M on a D M C

Today is my first official day back to school (I’m a teacher’s assistant for two non-profit charter schools), so I decided that I want to start posting again. I really need to practice self-awareness and self-betterment over these next couple of years while I’m in grad school and I think that ‘blogging,’ so to speak, will not only help me vent, but help me reflect as well.

Stepping back into these TA shoes is not easy. I have to go back to being judged by 12-19 year olds all day as well as their teachers, and I have to remind myself constantly that their judgement doesn’t have to mean anything. I also need to be completely on top of my shit so that I can work here, nanny for my sister, go to school, potentially tutor privately, work at the restaurant, maintain my relationships, continue with therapy, take care of my dog, take care of myself… yikes. It’s a lot of pressure. On top of that, having monetary issues definitely doesn’t make me feel any better. It’ll be a few weeks, if not months, before this year feels settled, but I’m so excited. There are so many beautiful, important events ahead of me. I just have to keep remembering why I’m this busy and this strung out. #knowyourwhy

chrisrobinson14:

Bisexual culture is being attracted to both

purplebuddhaquotes:

““The classroom was a jail of other people’s interests. The library was open, unending, free.””

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